in my dreams

A husband, who has been at work all day long stamping out disease and saving lives, is driving home after a day of stimulating adult conversation and is listening to the radio station of his choice. He has quite a bit on his mind, but is looking forward to a relaxing evening at home with his beloved family. As he nears his home, he notices the huge amounts of water draining down the gutter and wonders if the Luckings have a broken sprinkler head again. He pulls up in front of the house and sees his 3 year old, naked as a jay bird except for the cowboy boots and black cape blowing away from his back, as he swings on the swing set in the yard. The 3 year old is smiling of course, with a messy face with remnants of something bright red. The husband, who normally pulls his car into the garage, can not today due to the dozen or so bikes, strollers, and scooters in the driveway along with sticks and pieces of sidewalk chalk and every yard tool from the garage blocking the way. It is then that he notices 3 doors of the family car wide open and empty papers of approximately 4 packs of gum on the drivers side seat. He parks his car on the street where he also sees the mailbox wide open with various mail on the ground in a 5 foot diameter of the mailbox, some of those being bills of course.

It is then that he notices the hose turned on full blast just laying idly on the sidewalk, water running down and soaking everything in its path. The front lawn is strewn about with super hero and princess costumes, empty Pringles cans and cracker boxes, and what looks like 3 dozen match box cars. He is starting to wonder what in the world has happened at his normally peaceful home when his naked 3 year old runs to him shooting him with his Spiderman webs and yelling “We gotta get the bad guys Partner!” The husband and kind father asks his 3 year old “Where is Mom?” The little superhero cowboy exclaims “I don’t know” and runs off to the backyard after grabbing a shovel off the driveway. The husband begins to get worried. He steps over a pile of crushed up Goldfish crackers and sees that 3 of the 6 pumpkins just set out on the front porch a few days earlier have been smashed on the front porch and used as finger paint, where he reads “I (heart) U.” As he ascends the stairs of the front porch, and he notices 4 boxes labeled “Refrigerate Upon Arrival” that the UPS truck has left near the front door who knows how many hours ago. The front door of course is wide open.

As the husband steps into the front door, a scene of chaos assaults him. The front room has the looks of what used to be an amazing pillow, couch cushion, and blanket fort, but has long since been demolished and abandoned. There are piles of chocolate chips and coconut amongst the rubble. As he follows a book path into the living room, he is assaulted by the distinct smell of vinegar and sees a random winter scarf tangled up in the ceiling fan. From the looks of the living room, a Barbie Bomb has exploded and there were casualties. He makes his way into the kitchen where the refrigerator is left open and a jug of warm milk is on the counter among a mess of Lucky Charms and Life cereal. 80% of the cupboards are open and the sink is full of dishes; most of them cups and bowls, but a few mud caked pots as well. The smell then hits him and he peers into the laundry room where a pair of soiled underwear and shorts lay on the floor surrounded by 9 pairs of shoes.

The pantry doors are spread wide apart and the bins of oatmeal and sugar are open with some of their contents on the floor near the rug that is caught in the back door, and is holding the door open just an inch or so. Enough to let the pesky flies looking for a warm place to live for the winter to enter. As our now very concerned husband crunches through the marshmallowless Lucky Charms on the kitchen floor, he sees his 3 year old now on the deck feeding the cats with the muffin tins overflowing and what looks like a Sanpete County ant pile of cat food. The cat is being sung to and the words “down through the woods or out in the pasture” can be heard.

As he exits the kitchen, the book path leads to the top of the stairs where he sees his sweet 10 year old on the computer at the bottom of the Polly Pocket and tractor cluttered stairs watching tutorials on how to make jewelry. She has headphones on so she doesn’t hear the song from the deck, nor the TV blaring Dora the Explorer dvd. The husband then walks down the hall in search of his dear wife, who must be very ill, or possibly even dead. He passes the bathroom where the light is on, the toilet is 1 millimeter from overflowing and full of toilet paper, the rug is wet and so are the 6 or 7 swimming suits on the floor. What looks like 3 tubes of toothpaste is spread across the sink and counter. He continues down the hall on the book path and peers inside his 10 year old’s room. He sees her trumpet and violin on the bed with music books and papers scattered over the floor and the distinct smell of Cool Ranch Doritos.

He finally reaches his bedroom; the one he shares with is dear wife. The door is locked. He knocks but there is no answer. He pounds, no answer. His mind makes him see his wife unconscious on the floor or in the shower and his heart pounds. He runs to the top of the stairs and summons his 10 year old from her 9 hour youtube induced trance and tells her to get the key to the door or he will tear it off its hinges. She runs up the stairs dodging John Deeres and goes to her room, fetches the key, and unlocks his bedroom door. The husband rushes in to aid his wife in whatever may have befallen her and sees her; sitting on top of a nicely made bed wearing scrubs, a t-shirt, and a ponytail reading a quilting magazine with their darling baby asleep on her lap. The room is pure joy, as it is the only room in the house where order can be found. She has a pleasant smile on her face and welcomes him home.

The husband, very confused says to his wife “What has happened?” The wife, very sweetly replies “Last night you asked me what I did all day. Well, today I didn’t do any of it.” The husband, charmed by her sweetness and good looks, crosses the room with a hearty laugh, kisses her like he used to when they were dating and goes outside to find his 7 year old who has secretly buried herself in the sandbox and is using only a straw to stay alive because she saw it once in a Robin Hood movie. But before he makes it outside to locate her, he steps through the Lucky Charms and grabs a piece of the delicious roast left over from last night’s dinner because the fridge is already open!