Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

I got this funny email from one of my friends here in Heber City. So funny, this is what I am starting to feel like here. I used to be so good at shoveling, now, my friends and the UPS man have to make their own tracks to my front door!

December 8 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window watching thehuge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inchof the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
December 15 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snowtires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.
December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night.More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23 Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!?!?!?!Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25 Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE lady is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Okay, so I am not that bad, but I still think it is funny! Thank goodness for Derek Proctor across the street and his 4 wheeler with a plow!!

3 comments:

mom said...

My sentiments exactly! Great story.
Much more fun to mow lawns and play with flowers, than mess with that dang snow.

Amanda lee said...

That is the best! FUNNY!!! I love it when he calls her "THE lady". That is so Mark.

Jenny said...

I had no idea what to comment about until "mom said..." Thanks!
Bionic Woman doesn't want to shovel because she would rather push a non-propelled lawn mower, move tree's (oh wait that is me), transplant flowers, shut off the water that the little boy who walks home from school first turns on, make sand boxes, and plant more peas than anyone I have ever known.
I love how the man is shoveling the snow! Who has ever heard of a man shoveling the snow?

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